Sunday, September 5, 2010

A tale on a romantic relationship guru

This is the tenth in a series of columns by James Lee, CEO of the matchmaking firm Sunoo (, about various aspects of marriage based on his 20 years in the business. _ ED.

By James Lee

About 20 years ago, I knew a man and when I first met him he was very shy around women. He was very inexperienced in dating and relationships. 

Maybe he realized he needed to have a better understanding of women because when he turned 30 he started learning about women first-hand and in-depth. Through meeting various types of women, he gained more insight into them and eventually got married. 

It’s hard to imagine that this was the same man who had been so nervous around women before. 

I met this self-assured and successful man a few years later. He was a new divorcé. He wanted to remarry and have a family; however, he complained that too much knowledge about women was hindering him. 

He may have assumed that due to his previous relationships with women he would have no problem remarrying. However, I think that he became too analytical about women and love and will not be satisfied with any woman he meets because he has lost the ability to love someone purely. 

At the time I met him again, his health seemed to have deteriorated and his energy decreased. I believe these to be the aftereffects of all the energy he devoted to dating. He may have dated many women, but he had never experienced true love. He looked very lonely and unfortunate. 

There have been many books and articles written about dating and relationships. However, all those methods are based on other people’s experiences and trying to solve your relationship problems by using other people’s experiences as a point of reference is not always helpful. 

You will mistakenly think that you can apply someone else’s case to your own or that you can understand every relationship situation. Your deluded confidence will increase your chances of overlooking serious problems. 

It isn’t the most important thing to learn how to date and get along with many people. You need to find a person that is compatible with you and learn how to maintain a relationship with that person.

There is no need to know everything about love in order to experience it. The process of loving someone else requires more than simply mere acceptance. Romantic love encompasses a deeper understanding of someone mentally, emotionally, and physically. An amateur’s clumsy and honest passion will ripen love. Captivate someone with just a look? A false sense of accomplishment will follow. Isn’t it more beautiful to find someone you can devote your life to and grow old together with?

If he had learned to devote himself to one woman, he might have been much happier. Multiple partners only lead to shallow relationships. 

Even if it is requires more time and effort, it is important to meet someone that you can connect to on various levels, which will ultimately produce a more meaningful and long-lasting relationship.

Things to Consider When Meeting Members of the Opposite Sex

We asked 50 of our Match Consultants what they thought were the most important things to think about when meeting a member of the opposite sex for the first time.

In both the cases of men and women the most important point of concern was family make-up. The difference in rates of salience could be attributed to an idea that women look at a man's parents, their personalities for clues as to what marital life might be like, whereas men may believe that women resemble their mothers and they must therefore meet a woman's mother to know about her.

If we look at what aspect of potential partners' personalities in which people were interested, sociability, trustworthiness and concern were common among all. Women also looked for leadership qualities and a sense of responsibility in men, and men looked for potential partners who listen well and tend to affirm their words. Also, rather than looking at men's pure economic potential, there was a tendency to prefer looking for signs of an ability to deal with crisis and a certain vitality for survival.

In addition to this, there were slight tendencies for women to find it important to discover whether a man's friends were people whom they respected, and for men to look into a woman's consumer habits and lifestyle. In addition to this, for men there was also a slight tendency to enjoy the company of a woman who made it easy for them to visually enjoy their appearances. One point to note was that on either side of the gender line, there was almost no preference in terms of career. 

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